You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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