Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize