I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize