I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize