that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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