Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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