Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
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tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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