I am spending my child support on dildos
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
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He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
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A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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