if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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