and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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