Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize