Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
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i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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