this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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