god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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