Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
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Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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