you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize