i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
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The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
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When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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