She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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