this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
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So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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