Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize