Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
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I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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