Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
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Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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