im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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