She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
