He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
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5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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