Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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