Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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