i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish you could order shots online.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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