I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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