Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
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Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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