My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
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I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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