Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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