I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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