but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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