I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize