Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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