So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize