I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
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OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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