dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
COCAINE IS GR8
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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