ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
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I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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