So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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