Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize