so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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