maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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