Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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