Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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