i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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