It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize