rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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