You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Pants are for mortals
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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